hazelnutdarling: (Face of Spring)
I’ve started and erased this post a few times now trying to find the exact words to describe what’s going on. I guess it helps to back track a bit. My anxiety was still pretty high around the holidays, but after the first of the year, when I started walking with Jon and destressing, I began to feel better. Then I had a few peaks and valleys with stress, but as soon as I started eating vegan a month ago, my stress level seemed to be evening out even more. Teaching wasn’t too bad stress-wise. There were full days where I don’t think I felt one heart palpitation.

Then the build up to the evaluation last week triggered a stress attack and I’ve been having low level stress since then. Then the night before last, I had the grand mal anxiety attack and I can still feel the reverberations. This morning, I thought I would try to get in a 10 minute run. I set the bar WAY LOW these days. Plus, I walked before hand and after. I ate my oatmeal breakfast and now I’m doing everything I can think of to keep me from having a long prolonged anxiety attack. The heart palpitations are back. My mantra is now, “It’s all in your head, it’s all in your head.” I am healthy. My heart is fine. It’s the stress. I just want to work out hard again. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I could control it, but I have to make preparations for class tonight. We are watching the movie Into the Wild, but next week we start a whole new unit and I have not even read the book! This is where my lightheadedness is coming from right now. I am so under-prepared and I have no idea how to teach the textbook. Unfortunately, it’s just going to be a “learn to teach on the spot” type of teaching. I will be doing this up until spring break in 6 weeks. 6 weeks of textbook lecture on a textbook that I don’t know.

My goal is to not hurt myself again with anxiety. Eating vegan, with a high concentration on kale and all the veggies and whole grains is helping. I also bought a scale again last night. This morning it said 144.6. I am 5’5” and I am the most out of shape I have ever been in my entire life with a “normal” BMI. My life is truly a mind fuck of everything I have ever known to be “true.” I seriously just want to go for a jog and go for as long as I want like I used to and feel good afterwards. It’s a death to not be able to do this and this right there is the heart of the problem. I have grand mal anxiety attacks because there are parts of me that have died. I am in mourning and I don’t want to lose anymore abilities. Getting old is not for the faint of heart, quite literally.

Ok. I need to dry my eyes, wash my face and go get the kiddo. Sometimes I wish I had time to see a therapist to help me process this shit.
hazelnutdarling: (birch)
Yesterday morning was amazing! I wanted to have some sort of send off to my vacation, and since it’s been raining, I didn’t want to travel too far. I headed to the mountains to Oakhurst where the Love Café greets the north bound travelers that eventually leads into Yosemite National Park. It’s an all vegan café, and I ordered the breakfast burrito, no sausage because even in it’s fake form, I don’t like the taste of sausage.

It was loaded: potatoes, black beans, zucchini, turmeric, tofu, and some other veggies thrown in the mix. I whipped out the old paper journal and wrote in long hand about my day. Bob Marley played on the speakers and a man walked in looking like John Muir ordered himself a breakfast and sat down and ate it.

Jon told me that I didn’t have to rush back and that he would pick up Caleb from daycare, so I drove to the nearest entry point into the forest and did a little forest bathing. Being alone in the forest gives me a feeling of release and grounding. It’s always and forever a shock to me just how many people are in the world, and living in Fresno, it’s really hard on this country mouse to be around all the people all the time. I was enamored with all the different shades of green. The recent rains have left everything damp and reminded me of the Pacific Northwest. Moss covered everything.

I didn’t hike, more like sauntered into the forest looking at all the raindrops on the leaves. I thought about my classroom, but tried not to after a while. My whole semester is going to be on the environment, I’ll have plenty of time to think about what I will say in the class. Jon is back today for “Duty Day” where full-timers have all day meetings. Tomorrow is the same, but he doesn’t have to leave until 10am. Today he left at 8, which is nearly impossible for him. We are back at work.

I’ve been working on my syllabus and it’s over 9 pages long. It has small pictures of Death Valley and Yosemite in it. It’s freaken cute, if I say so myself. It looks like an old telegram in courier font. But, after I started working on it, the anxiety came back. I was having heart palpataions like old times last night.

Also, the vaginal irritations are back. I haven’t talked about it, because I have been hoping they would just go away, but nope. For 2 weeks I’ve been having that same little irritation that I had over a year ago that lasted 6 months! Please please please, don’t let it last that long again. It’s awful and I’ve already gone to planned parenthood about it. They gave me fluconazole because they think it’s yeast related. It’s not working after 2 days. I’m fearing the worst. At least it’s not so bad that I’m in pain all the time. It’s just this little ever-present irritation. The vagina is the biggest mystery in the world. Last time it just eventually went away on its own. Meh.

When my scale broke last year, I didn’t buy a new one. I was way too obsessed with my weight and I saw it as a sign to just stop. So I did. I was on the scale at Planned Parenthood when it said 147. When I was weighing myself every day this time last year, I was 152ish. 5 pounds lighter. Funny how these things happen.

Date

Dec. 17th, 2018 10:52 am
hazelnutdarling: (me)
Saturday night was the best date night since Caleb was born. We bought a Mygym Parents Night Out deal where they watch the kids, do crafts, play games, and so on, for 3 hours. Jon and I got dressed up and went to the House of JuJu in Old Town Clovis. Old Town is just how it sounds; rustic, country, and charming at Christmastime. The restaurant was new to us and the city. It was hopping at 6pm.

I was brought out a bowl of wine. I kid, but it was such a large glass that I couldn’t finish the Cabernet! I ordered fish tacos because I knew that they had a parent restaurant in Morro Bay, thus a real sea food connection. I was not disappointed. The fish was fantastic, like it was fresh caught that day. Jon enjoyed his turkey burger and rustic potatoes. After his Stella Artois, we were feeling mighty fine.

I didn’t like the fact that I didn’t know the people at the Mygym. I thought it was going to be regular people that have seen for years, but no. So we decided that we were going to go out for coffee then just head straight back. Coffee turned out to be the highlight of the night. I had heard of this mom and pop place called Two City Roasters from a friend and we tried it out. Turns out Jon knew the owners and had bought their coffee often at the farmers market a few years ago. He didn’t know that they had a permanent place now and the coffee! I only had a sip, but it was real actual good coffee. Some roasters have bitter coffee. No.

Most roasters have bitter coffee. I call it hipster coffee because it tastes like shit, but everyone drinks it anyway because it was locally roasted. There is a place in the Tower District called HiTop coffee that fits this description perfectly. It’s just raw and bitter coffee. Two Cities, however, have the roast perfect where it’s round bodied and almost sweet! I was impressed. I had my peppermint tea and we sat at the rustic bar and chatted about easy things. It seriously was one of the best nights ever. We haven’t had a night like that in a very long time.

Caleb was ready to go! Yesterday, Caleb and I went to the San Joaquin Nature Conservancy because there is a store there that has nature things and I wanted to get this bird that actually makes the sounds that it makes for my mother for Christmas. Caleb ended up picking out a really cute Red Tailed Hawk, that screeches like a real hawk. It’s actually adorable. I love them and I want to keep the quail that I picked up for my mother for myself.

Mother… Last night I was reading my posts from last year at this time and it almost triggered another panic attack just reliving it all. I was living like my house was on fire. Every. Day. Well, actually, that set the tone for the entire year. We’re just a smoldering pie of ashes at this point, but still burning. I was so angry with my mother and how I told her how I was stressed about everything. Writing the thesis, Caleb and is ever ever ever need for companionship, and heart palpitations, and anxiety and stress beyond belief. She said, and I wrote it here, “I understand.” And that was that. She never offered to help take care of Caleb. I ended up getting into the routine of taking Caleb out to her house to force her to watch him. I’m still really really upset about it all because I was clearly out to sea drowning without a life raft and she yelled back, “I UNDERSTAND.”

She’ll be here this week while Jon is gone to Southern California and I don’t know if I want her here. This morning is the only morning that I will have time to clean while Caleb is at daycare. And I’m cleaning for my mother?! Screw that. She’ll get clean sheets on the spare bed, but that’s it. If I want to clean, it’s going to be for me. I have no motivation to impress her or take care of her in any way. I asked her to come and be here while Jon is gone, but I shouldn’t have reread the shit that I read last night. I’m seriously going to have to work that out in therapy. It’s not like she’s ever going to change. I’m just going to have to change my attitude about ever expecting anything from her. I am an orphan in many ways.

Jon had to go to a 3 hour meeting today even though he’s technically done with the semester. He’s looking into becoming the Guided Pathways Coordinator or some other such thing since his gig as a department chair will be up in the fall. It’s always so funny to me that the more money you make, the more obscure your job title will be. I Calebed a lot yesterday and this morning will be the last of my alone time for a long time. Ironically, when it’s vacation time, bye bye alone time. I just want to savor this last hour and a half before I have to pick up the kid.
hazelnutdarling: (morning tea)
Still no baby. Stella will officially be a Virgo and if she arrives tomorrow, I’ll be the winner on picking the right date. My sister is at her OB appointment and we are all waiting in anticipation on what they are going to decide. I can honestly tell from a picture that I saw this morning that the baby has shifted, but she’s still not quite there. If they just naturally let her keep the baby in that baby won’t be here until next week! Poor Kate.

Ha! I just got an update. She said that they are going to wait until Monday to induce her. She looks fine, but no more effacement or any dilation. I knew it. I know my sister and I can just see it in the way she’s hanging. Stella will be here next week. I hope I’m wrong for Kate’s sake.

Caleb had a successful potty day at school and he was in good spirits about it all day. It made for an easier day in general with him. I was also super nervous yesterday because last night was the first time I my class went over a reading and I didn’t know how they were going to do with a seminar style type class. They really are babies when it comes to speaking in class and need a little encouragement to talk. I posed lots of questions, took my time to let them answer, but I still eventually had to jump in and fill in the blanks. It was hard for them to get the allegory of The One’s Who Walk Away from Omelas, but we got there. They are eager and trying. I guess that’s a win.

Next week is all about Poe and I’m really hoping the weather begins to reflect the dark madness of the man. I think I’ll make a fun powerpoint about Poe and make it all dark and spooky in the classroom. I’m pushing the summer back and that’s not easy around here.

I told myself that I would have “playtime” to write and sit with my tea until 11am and then I have to clean the house. For the last two weeks we have been dealing with new semester dealings and everything, I mean everything is cluttered and dirty for simply not having the time to pick up after ourselves. Jon is the most amazing partner in the world by doing the dishes every single night and staying on top of the laundry. But, I pick up the rest and those toilets need some serious attention.

Ok. One more cup of tea and I’m off.
hazelnutdarling: (Default)
This has been the first morning in literal, without hyperbole, months where I am not sweating over my morning tea. I actually wore a (very light) cardigan to take the kiddo to daycare this morning in anticipation of a cool breeze. I think I almost felt it. I have a fancy dancy temperature gauge where I have the sensor outside under a bush, under the eaves, and it read 65 degrees this morning. For comparison, I haven’t seen a six as the first number in a very long time. Waking to a 70 or above is normal. It is August, but we are so over summer. After tonight, I seriously can’t believe that I’m already two weeks into the semester already. Two down, sixteen to go. Clovis Community College has the longest semesters of ANY COLLEGE EVER. I would know. I have been to six!

All of us have been cruising along on a large ball of stress and the house reflects that. I have no time to clean or to even stop and write, like I am now. I scheduled this time for me because if I don’t, I could just keep working forever. First year teaching is a fucker. I’m not only writing lesson plans at midnight because my child will not go down until 11pm, but I cannot shut off my brain from teaching. I’ve gotten to the point of carrying around my notebook just to write all my lecture ideas down just to get them out of my head, but it’s like a Hydra. As soon as I cut one head, two more pop up! I have more and more angles to think about the reading or writing that I want them to do. Mentally, it’s exhausting.

Caleb has been a thing and I know he’s three and almost a half, but Jon and I are at full tilt max capacity with taking care of him. He doesn’t play on his own for very long and still very much needs our attention all the time. From the moment he is up at 7:30 until the nap at 3-5 and then again until almost 11 he is UP and busy and needs us so much to play. If you are doing the math, that’s only 10-11 hours of sleep and it’s a fight to get him to sleep that much. And he fights when he doesn’t get his way and won’t listen to us when we want him to do things like sit on the potty for 30 seconds just to see if he needs to poo. And I mean FIGHT. This morning’s fight to get him to sit ended in tears. He’s making potty training traumatic for himself.

Ok. At this point, for all our structure and routine, we do the same damn thing ever damn day at the same time every damn day, he still fights us like it’s going to change. By 10pm I’ve lost my fight, my smile, and my charm. Jon always steps in at this point because he has about 10% more patience than I do, and we are very patient people.

This on top of trying to deal with the textbook change and writing all my lesson plans from scratch. We can’t do this forever, or for much longer. Something’s got to give and my sanity is at stake.

Next week, I’m making the lesson plans a little on the easier side by exploring classic Poe. These kids haver never heard of Oedipus Rex!!!!! I actually had to full on explain Plato’s analogy of the cave, because I was teaching what an analogy was and they have never heard of it. We are going to hone in on some classics like The Raven and The Tale Tell Heart because I’m honestly in shock on how much they don’t know. How are they going to grapple with Foucault’s Panopticon? It’s in the new text and I plan on teaching it because I know it well. These kids barely just learned how to wipe their bums!

Oh and baby Stella still isn’t here yet! Poor Kate, 40 weeks and three days. I texted her earlier and she said that she was having contractions, but they go away. I told her that if she has Stella after 12:08am she will officially be a Virgo. She’s pretty confident that Stella will not be coming today. She has an OB appointment tomorrow and I think they are going to induce her. So unless something dramatic changes, I’m going to win on naming Stella a Virgo. It was a long shot, but I could just tell from the way she was hanging that she was going to be in it for a long time. We’ll have a new baby in the family by the weekend for sure!
hazelnutdarling: (Default)
Turns out, I have found the easiest, best, reasonable wedding venue in all of Fresno. The only drawback that I could see is that the building is a wee bit dated, but it’s a small compromise to get the best package deal of all time. All I have to do is come in in a series of appointments and start pointing out what colors I want, and what kind of cake and so on. There is almost everything we need for a wedding except the photographer and the officiant, but I think we are going to ask the band leader of Llama Boy to do it. I just love the idea of a long haired dreaded hippy marrying us.

And what a load off my mind! I can’t get over how reasonable the prices are. They quoted 5k for 50 people and that includes a 20% service fee and taxes and all. Shooot. We also decided that we are going to get married at 11 in the morning and have the hall until 4pm. It’s going to be on July 13th so we have to consider the heat. The area for the ceremony is really nice, the nicest place in the whole complex, but it’s outside. They say they have misters, but I don’t want my guests to have to get misted to be comfortable. The ceremony won’t be that long anyway.

SO yeah, they will take care of the DJ, the coordination, the flowers, and wine and beer. I just have to show up with my dress on.

I’m getting married y’all!
hazelnutdarling: (Default)
This is my free writing session in the form of a journal entry as I prepare to finish my paper that I’m presenting tomorrow. The paper, so far, is five pages long, maybe six, but I can only present seven. I’m not even close to the main event in the paper. I’ve written an introduction, what the “scholars” have written about Wild, and now I’m getting into the theory that will provide a lens for the text that I will analyze. The paper is going to be 20 pages at this point. The requirement for the course is 10-12. The problem is in what I will be presenting tomorrow. I have to do a Reader’s Digest version of my paper. I will have to edit quite a bit for what I will be presenting tomorrow.

Also, I’ve never written a paper that I know I will be presenting to a large audience. For that, my writing has changed. My pitch and snark wants to come out. I want to sound professional, but I don’t want to be boring either. I’m honestly a little excited, but of course nervous. I’ve never done this before. The presentation is only 5% of the grade, so it’s not really a big deal. I guess I better get on it.

Or adjust my settings on Pandora, or make sure the lighting is just right, or have my aroma therapy sweet orange smell on tap, or look up cabins in Yosemite and daydream about writing inside while the snow gently piles up outside, or write a journal entry about procrastination.

Did I eat enough breakfast?

Breathe Wendy, just do it!


Do me a favor, don't post anything interesting for the rest of the day. I will read it.
hazelnutdarling: (Stars)
Well, I've decided that this will be my last post on Livejournal. I'm not going to delete this journal. I'm just not going to cross-post here anymore from Dreamwidth. It's sad, yes. But I cannot support Livejournal anymore for obvious reasons. If you are reading this and still haven't added me at Dreamwidth I am: http://hazelnutdarling.dreamwidth.org/

If Dreamwidth is not your thing and you still want to keep in contact, add me on...

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Wendybotanicaldarling

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wendybee13/?hl=en

Snapchat username: wendyabatey

You see the more pleasant side of me on those websites anyway.



Alright Livejournal, its been real.

The Set Up

Apr. 10th, 2017 09:24 pm
hazelnutdarling: (Default)
It's still in it's prototype stages, but I've set up the Dreamwidth account.

Add me there @http://hazelnutdarling.dreamwidth.org/

I'll be posting from there from now on, but cross-posting to Livejournal. I guess still reading your LiveJournal posts at LiveJournal. It may be something to get used to, maybe not. I'm still trying to figure out how to add and find people. I hope it's not hard for you to find me.

Dreamwidth is like OOOOooold school Livejournal from back in the day. It's cool. I can dig it.
hazelnutdarling: (hiking)

I would never ever say this lightly, it feels like when my dad died.

hazelnutdarling: (Default)
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Wendy Batey

February 2019

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