I’ve started and erased this post a few times now trying to find the exact words to describe what’s going on. I guess it helps to back track a bit. My anxiety was still pretty high around the holidays, but after the first of the year, when I started walking with Jon and destressing, I began to feel better. Then I had a few peaks and valleys with stress, but as soon as I started eating vegan a month ago, my stress level seemed to be evening out even more. Teaching wasn’t too bad stress-wise. There were full days where I don’t think I felt one heart palpitation.

Then the build up to the evaluation last week triggered a stress attack and I’ve been having low level stress since then. Then the night before last, I had the grand mal anxiety attack and I can still feel the reverberations. This morning, I thought I would try to get in a 10 minute run. I set the bar WAY LOW these days. Plus, I walked before hand and after. I ate my oatmeal breakfast and now I’m doing everything I can think of to keep me from having a long prolonged anxiety attack. The heart palpitations are back. My mantra is now, “It’s all in your head, it’s all in your head.” I am healthy. My heart is fine. It’s the stress. I just want to work out hard again. Is that too much to ask?

I wish I could control it, but I have to make preparations for class tonight. We are watching the movie Into the Wild, but next week we start a whole new unit and I have not even read the book! This is where my lightheadedness is coming from right now. I am so under-prepared and I have no idea how to teach the textbook. Unfortunately, it’s just going to be a “learn to teach on the spot” type of teaching. I will be doing this up until spring break in 6 weeks. 6 weeks of textbook lecture on a textbook that I don’t know.

My goal is to not hurt myself again with anxiety. Eating vegan, with a high concentration on kale and all the veggies and whole grains is helping. I also bought a scale again last night. This morning it said 144.6. I am 5’5” and I am the most out of shape I have ever been in my entire life with a “normal” BMI. My life is truly a mind fuck of everything I have ever known to be “true.” I seriously just want to go for a jog and go for as long as I want like I used to and feel good afterwards. It’s a death to not be able to do this and this right there is the heart of the problem. I have grand mal anxiety attacks because there are parts of me that have died. I am in mourning and I don’t want to lose anymore abilities. Getting old is not for the faint of heart, quite literally.

Ok. I need to dry my eyes, wash my face and go get the kiddo. Sometimes I wish I had time to see a therapist to help me process this shit.